In light of the current condition of Pope John Pall II, I have decided to renew my bid to become the next Pope. This first came to me in October of 2003 when CBC news reported the Pope was dying.

I know what you're thinking, "You're Jewish!" So were Jesus and Peter so this really shouldn't be an issue.

First issue, pedophile priests. Not only will I not be covering anything up, I'll be punishing them with hanging by their testicle until castration or death. Whichever comes first.

And I'm in favor of priests marrying. Why should the most dedicated worshipers not be allowed to breed? Seems silly to me. I'm even in favor of gay priests marrying. They could marry each other. They could even perform their own ceremonies.

That's right, Seth for a better Catholic church. I have no real hang-ups so I won't be swayed by being in a biased position or special interest groups.

As for church on Sundays. Carlin said it best. God's one day off and everyone piles into church. Doesn't seem fair to me. Wednesdays are already a pretty crappy day. How about church on Wednesday. That will leave Sunday for relaxing and football. "On the 8th day, God created woman. And when man grew tired of woman, God created Monday Night Football." I believe that's from Mad Magazine.

(BTW: I realize this may be offensive to some people. But it's my website and you can choose not to read it.)

I would be in favor of tougher enforcement of many of the Ten Commandments (which have, over time, become the Ten Suggestions) but some of them have to go. What's wrong with adultery anyway? (Do infants have as much fun with infancy as adults do with adultery?) But I'm in heavy favor of "Thou Shalt Not Kill." Thou shalt especially not kill Pope Seth.

That brings up another important issue. Does "Pope Seth" have the right ring to it? I think I'd probably have to change my name like many other Popes before me. "Pope Purri" is already taken apparently. "Pope Fred" has a nice ring to it. Or maybe something like "Pope Heimlich" to pay tribute to his maneuver. I like that.

"Pope Heimlich, a new Pope for a new Millennium."

I was asked if I speak Latin. Well, I took Latin in high school but failed. LATIN IS A DEAD LANGUAGE. Someone brought up the paypal masses but I simply saw that as another way to take collection for the church.

I also plan to institute the "Get out of Hell Free" card. I think some really good deeds should wipe out some past foul deeds. It often works in the movies, why not real life? So all Cardinals and Bishops will be given "Get out of Hell Free" cards they can give to others. I'd give them to the priests but I don't want them hanging them out in return for "favors" if you know what I mean.

I'd also be in favor of removing feeding tubes for the brain dead. If they want a little snack, they can find a way to ask for it. I'm in favor of stem cell research and gay marriage. Catholics beware.

Vote early and vote often. Pope Heimlich I for Pope.